BOTTLED FEELINGS

Love is what you make,
Hearts colliding
Dreams creating illusion of being permanent and,
Lately I’ve been wondering what this love really is?
Is it possible for hearts to just meet and collide?
To meet someone and it’s a just flawless vibe?

My research has been telling me Love is like a chair you want to sit on, the shape of which determines your posture or
Love is more like three crying kids in the back of the car after a bad week at work, when you’ve barely slept for days and you’ve been fighting with your beloved about the same damn thing for the last two weeks, and you have an overwhelming urge to just drop it all and run away because my God this can’t be what the rest of my life will look like!

But you end up coming back home after all.

My comprehension is love means different things at different places, circumstances and situations and maybe, just maybe there’s nothing like bad timing because the heart doesn’t choose when to love and who to love.

Just like any other heart, it’s not like mine has had a choice
See this love, I always say like trust it’s a stalwart word
But I know better what my heart has been feeling, tingly – ticklish feels from his thought and how reluctant he is to give my mind a break,
Thinking of his corky laugh, his sweet words that have grown in me, how he makes me smile without even trying, how my eyes light up from a notification from him,
How love songs feel so soothing to my cochlea these days and what it would feel if it were different.

But somehow I wish this heart had a choice because maybe, just maybe there’s a bad timing to love,
and now I have to keep this feelings bottled like the doodle I made.

Lotsa Love
LYDRAH 🧡 🍂

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HOPELESSLY DROWNING

She feels lonesome even with a crowd,
In a battle but fighting alone.

Darkness has become her new home,
She has become a perfect place for demons to stay.

Like a small flower living in a potted plant,
full of other plants around her,
they grow higher and higher choking her.
She withers and shrinks into her own self,
until she feels like she’s nothing,
but a wilted being.

Words that describe her :
Broken, lonely , neglected, depressed,
sad, numb, hurt, angry, stressed, pain,
scared, alone, crushed, giving up,
breaking down,hopeless.

The rain has now become her favorite because maybe,
just maybe she can drown in something else,
other than her own depressing thoughts.

In this big world It’s just her and her poetry,
drowning in her own thoughts,
hoping that this pen won’t stop bleeding,
that this words will never stop flowing,
A broken girl who lives to survive in this tragic world.

She has lost desire to shine,
she has forgotten how being alive feels like,
she has forgotten how smiling felt good.

She misses the old her, the happy, goofy her,
the her that found joy in the simplest of things,
the her that found beauty in the stars,
the her that didn’t dread the next day.

She says she’s okay,
she doesn’t seem to care,
But deep down inside,
She’s dying a little more every day.

SHE JUST DOESN’T KNOW…

How I broke down each time I felt like I did her wrong
And all the apologies I gave, I wasn’t taught that
Because she wasn’t there to give me the norm rectitude little ones are given when growing up
I had to learn them for her sake

And I saw her as the very apple of my eye
Felt every inch of her suffering
Cried with her even when I wasn’t sure of her pain
Took her turmoil and turned it into my portion

I understood for all the times I wished she was there for me, each time I needed her to be
When I wanted to feel what they all felt
I was and still am the most understanding person she’ll have

I could have said all I had in my cerebrum
All those thoughts struggling to be aired out
But for her I had to control my tongue, tried all I could not to think out loud, it would hurt to the core
That was the caring and also hurt me

For all the times I was tempted to preach ;
“I wish you loved me like I did and treated me the same way as them. I can’t take this in anymore, I’m getting all sick and you didn’t have to have me. I was better without you, without you coming in my damn life, it only became more terrible. If you don’t love me just lemme know. “

But that would have been against culture
This black culture that the young ones have a hard time in expressing their feelings,
You would end up seen as disrespectful and who would want that!
So I couldn’t tell all that
I still needed her, I still do
Control was the only prince charming I had,
to save me from suspending the little connection left between us

I understood I was never her favorite,
I thought I would be when I tried to be the best
I was disillusioned that’s my supposition
And this disillusion culminating to depression

She just doesn’t know how I cared for her
How each time I did everything I could to please her
How I tried to be the best person she could ever have just for her
How I loved her, still do and always will

I wish she knew..
I wish she understood..
But all this wishes….
Don’t seem to help me, to help her understand…
How far would I be if these wishes were horses!