SHE JUST DOESN’T KNOW…

How I broke down each time I felt like I did her wrong
And all the apologies I gave, I wasn’t taught that
Because she wasn’t there to give me the norm rectitude little ones are given when growing up
I had to learn them for her sake

And I saw her as the very apple of my eye
Felt every inch of her suffering
Cried with her even when I wasn’t sure of her pain
Took her turmoil and turned it into my portion

I understood for all the times I wished she was there for me, each time I needed her to be
When I wanted to feel what they all felt
I was and still am the most understanding person she’ll have

I could have said all I had in my cerebrum
All those thoughts struggling to be aired out
But for her I had to control my tongue, tried all I could not to think out loud, it would hurt to the core
That was the caring and also hurt me

For all the times I was tempted to preach ;
“I wish you loved me like I did and treated me the same way as them. I can’t take this in anymore, I’m getting all sick and you didn’t have to have me. I was better without you, without you coming in my damn life, it only became more terrible. If you don’t love me just lemme know. “

But that would have been against culture
This black culture that the young ones have a hard time in expressing their feelings,
You would end up seen as disrespectful and who would want that!
So I couldn’t tell all that
I still needed her, I still do
Control was the only prince charming I had,
to save me from suspending the little connection left between us

I understood I was never her favorite,
I thought I would be when I tried to be the best
I was disillusioned that’s my supposition
And this disillusion culminating to depression

She just doesn’t know how I cared for her
How each time I did everything I could to please her
How I tried to be the best person she could ever have just for her
How I loved her, still do and always will

I wish she knew..
I wish she understood..
But all this wishes….
Don’t seem to help me, to help her understand…
How far would I be if these wishes were horses!

Advertisement

IF ONLY

I say my body needs laughter as much as it needs tears
Both are cleansers of stress and depression
And someone from the crowd asks ‘when was the last time you cried’
Should I riposte that, I thought they all saw how my eyes are drained

I’m exhausted, my eyes are exhausted from tearing
My mind is exhausted from overthinking , I’m mentally overwhelmed
My heart is screaming from hurting
The whole me is just exhausted

My marriage to pain feels perpetual
I pace down all day and come back to a quiet house,dark room, exhausted pillow
If this pillow had a voice, I know it wishes to retire
I wonder if it understands I only have it to wail to

There’s need for the crowd to know this – I don’t need someone to be the world to me
I don’t need someone to sweep me off my feet
I don’t want someone to promise me the sun and the moon
I definitely don’t need someone to die for me; keep those lies to yourself
I don’t….

I have really cheap wishes ;
I want a chest to lie on for a night, someone to kiss away all my pain
I want someone to help me ascend that carousel which I definitely can climb on my own, funny
Will it be too much to ask for someone who promises to lay on the grass and stare at the stars and moon with!

If all my wishes won’t come to be then , I want my pillow to laze, to cuddle tears of joy at least

Is that too much to ask!