How I broke down each time I felt like I did her wrong
And all the apologies I gave, I wasn’t taught that
Because she wasn’t there to give me the norm rectitude little ones are given when growing up
I had to learn them for her sake
And I saw her as the very apple of my eye
Felt every inch of her suffering
Cried with her even when I wasn’t sure of her pain
Took her turmoil and turned it into my portion
I understood for all the times I wished she was there for me, each time I needed her to be
When I wanted to feel what they all felt
I was and still am the most understanding person she’ll have
I could have said all I had in my cerebrum
All those thoughts struggling to be aired out
But for her I had to control my tongue, tried all I could not to think out loud, it would hurt to the core
That was the caring and also hurt me
For all the times I was tempted to preach ;
“I wish you loved me like I did and treated me the same way as them. I can’t take this in anymore, I’m getting all sick and you didn’t have to have me. I was better without you, without you coming in my damn life, it only became more terrible. If you don’t love me just lemme know. “
But that would have been against culture
This black culture that the young ones have a hard time in expressing their feelings,
You would end up seen as disrespectful and who would want that!
So I couldn’t tell all that
I still needed her, I still do
Control was the only prince charming I had,
to save me from suspending the little connection left between us
I understood I was never her favorite,
I thought I would be when I tried to be the best
I was disillusioned that’s my supposition
And this disillusion culminating to depression
She just doesn’t know how I cared for her
How each time I did everything I could to please her
How I tried to be the best person she could ever have just for her
How I loved her, still do and always will
I wish she knew..
I wish she understood..
But all this wishes….
Don’t seem to help me, to help her understand…
How far would I be if these wishes were horses!