IF ONLY


I say my body needs laughter as much as it needs tears
Both are cleansers of stress and depression
And someone from the crowd asks ‘when was the last time you cried’
Should I riposte that, I thought they all saw how my eyes are drained

I’m exhausted, my eyes are exhausted from tearing
My mind is exhausted from overthinking , I’m mentally overwhelmed
My heart is screaming from hurting
The whole me is just exhausted

My marriage to pain feels perpetual
I pace down all day and come back to a quiet house,dark room, exhausted pillow
If this pillow had a voice, I know it wishes to retire
I wonder if it understands I only have it to wail to

There’s need for the crowd to know this – I don’t need someone to be the world to me
I don’t need someone to sweep me off my feet
I don’t want someone to promise me the sun and the moon
I definitely don’t need someone to die for me; keep those lies to yourself
I don’t….

I have really cheap wishes ;
I want a chest to lie on for a night, someone to kiss away all my pain
I want someone to help me ascend that carousel which I definitely can climb on my own, funny
Will it be too much to ask for someone who promises to lay on the grass and stare at the stars and moon with!

If all my wishes won’t come to be then , I want my pillow to laze, to cuddle tears of joy at least

Is that too much to ask!

Advertisements

STRANGER THINGS

Hello dear readers, sometimes I take a while without posting. Sometimes I’m scared of writing because the honesty kills me. Enjoy

Terrified for her heart, heartbreaks have been a portion in her life. Always coming around knocking, shamelessly turning the heart knob. She is not ready yet to receive another heartbreak despite a strong woman.

Everyone becomes vulnerable at some point. This time she had her heart convinced this was for a lifetime. She is intimidated of extending censures to it like she’s always done. I understand her screaming heart though. Fear succumbs when you’re in the verge of losing what you claim, when you thought you had eventually found the love of your life, your soul mate;your other half.
‘You’re not the man I knew two weeks ago ‘
She complains, agony screaming in her voice. Demanding to know what changed in only weeks. They have been married for a while now, three years is not a short time. She doesn’t recall anything wrong between them ;just normal arguments arising in marital life.

Late in the night her eyes won’t dare close. How can she even find sleep! Worried sick for him, why he ain’t home yet. It’s strange this ain’t like him.
Having a rough day she had no ‘how’s your day’ no ‘I love yous ‘ no phone calls In the afternoon or evening to announce his coming back home;and now extending to a rough night.
It’s dawn and he ain’t home yet, the poor lady still up waiting for him. This Love!
At 11 am he’s back in the house , a bottle of whisky on his hands,a deadly expression on his face warning her not to inquire a thing.
Her curiosity takes the best of her,she takes a step which turns out to be a great mistake.
How could she have had any idea? She’s just a wife who’s trying to care.
He says it was a new year and everything’s revolutionalised . What is that even supposed to mean!
Their marriage has changed too! She had no idea. She clearly sees herself losing him, he had his phone’s open sesame changed. What did he necessitate that privacy for.
His phone buzzes and she picks it up to satisfy her gut feeling . A female voice comes through asking for Benard.
”I’m his wife, how can I help you ”
The voice from the other side says he is her husband. Married for a year now and they have a daughter.

She’s too weak to take in all this, too weak to argue, too weak to ask. She opens her mouth trying to say something, the phone slips off her hands and she blacks out.

This Stranger things!

JUST A DANCE

Warning :Long reading ahead .It’s a sweet one though


It’s 9pm and I’m feeling depressed. Do you all think depression is being sad and crying? But that is not depression at least that’s what I thought this day. The only way I can think of getting over this depression is a club. I’m on my third drink when this guy comes over, he’s well built, exquisitely masculine and he looks like a solicitor. He looks surprised maybe because I’m a lady, in a club, all alone. He shouldn’t be though, it’s normal these days. He offers to buy me a drink after a little chatting and the desperate me couldn’t turn down this offer. The music is so good to my ears , I can’t afford to have my wazoo sited. So I give a hand to he who asks if I care for a dance. I’m drunk and so carried away. This alcohol thing has never been friendly to my system.
I feel my nerves in the morning, my thighs aching , my body is weak, I open my eyes and find myself in a room too large, too fancy to be mine. There’s blood on the sheets and I’m terrified.
‘ Is that my blood! ‘
I don’t recall a lot. All I wanted was just a Dance.

I press my eyelids together to prevent my eyes from tearing. I think of everything worse.
I stay calm, trying to recall a single thing. I then remember the stranger who offered to buy me drinks the previous night. I can’t recall his face, how he looked.
This feels like the end of me. I call room service to place my order, my stomach is begging for a meal. This takes longer than expected and the impatient me couldn’t wait. I push the massive duvet aside and storm out the room.

It’s after four weeks, 9am in the morning, I’m not woken up by the pressure of my bladder begging to be alleviated the pressure but a strong feeling of nauseous. This is not me.
My fear grows daily.

Could I be?
With a stranger!
God, what a mess!

I have to see a doctor but I don’t have the courage to face all this. It’s after other two months I can’t take in this new reactions my body is welcoming. I’m forced to see a doctor. In that room No. 5 it’s confirmed, my greatest fear, what I didn’t want to hear ;I’m pregnant.
Yes, three months pregnant.
The doctor looks at me “You look young”
I riposte by a look that implies ‘I know’
I walk shamelessly out the room.
What is the society going to think of me!
How is my family going to receive this!
What am I supposed to tell my mother!

Do you ever feel like all eyes are on you? That is the feeling I’m bearing as I walk out the hospital, as I walk the streets, as I approach the estate, as I enter my little room.

I lay on my neat bed ;no idea of my tomorrow. I think of what is gonna happen to me before the end of five months. I regret having to stress myself over a university boy not enough to be called a man. But now I can’t blame him. He wasn’t there when I was in a club, he didn’t buy me no drinks,I don’t think he even cared of my whereabouts.
I’m too ashamed to be in a class with my the rest so innocent people. That’s how they’re seen despite of all they do. In this generation they see you as immoral when you bear a child of your own at a younger age.

I can’t keep this to myself forever. People will eventually find out everything, they always do. I’m I at the end of the rope! No,I have a little rope left for this unborn child. I have to pretend to be happy and strong for it. Now I’m here on my bed, sitting helplessly, hopelessly, hoping, just hoping my life would end that minute .

A MOTHER’S MISTAKE

The illegitimate child
She’s seen as an adverse in the community, a disgrace to the girl status,a degradation to the society itself at large
But are we to lay the blame on her, it’s not like she had any choice but to be what she is
They say ‘your future lies in your hands’ her palms ain’t strong enough to hold any future plans
She doesn’t even plan a future, hold on to any life goals because her life is a whole lot of mess
But why!
Her life bearer is the root of all her angst and now she carries all the fault like scars
She has no idea who she belongs to ;she’s like a dog without a collar
She embraces the streets because she believes they give her life
She doesn’t know what pain feels like, she embraces it like daily meal
Pain is the only tattoo she bears day and night
Pain has become her a portion to her
She has no idea how she came into existence, she doesn’t recall having a mother but yes she had one
But she chose marriage over her, a man over her own child ; poor daughter
The father called her an outsider;an outcast ;a. stranger
He said you can’t be Mandela and father
Hitler ;the same way you can’t plant maize and harvest wheat
He claimed his blood couldn’t bear a white child and he wanted her taken to the right owner : out of his dominion
The priest said she was gotten out of wedlock ;the mother was now taken a whore to the community
She had a choice and she chose to let go of her innocent being
She let her suffer lack of mother’s love, let her suffer in the streets alone
Just to create a better image for her
The poor daughter
Now she’s three months pregnant,
Who could have done this injustice to her!
What is she going to do with a child if she’s not able to take care of her own self!
She suffers out of her mother’s selfishness

SIMPLE AS IT IS

I’m out here looking for someone

Hoping I’ll find

Someone who matches my kind, my craziness

Someone who understands my flaws well, who is willing to take me as I am

I’m complicated some say, I’m weird others state, I’m crazy others mention

Some think I’m moody, others complain of having anger issues

I’m not so well with people, socializing doesn’t work well for me

I don’t know where this piece is I’m still in the search of someone who matches my all

I’m not sure what I’m looking for, is it a soulmate, other half!

I’m in the oblivion

It is as simple as it is

REMEDY


I’m scared of being alone I’m terrified of loneliness
If you leave I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss your charms
If you leave I’m gonna yearn the effects of you on me
I’m gonna loose my remedy, my medication

Tell me what I can offer for you to stay longer

Let me know what more I need to do that I haven’t done
Tell me so to modify , for you to stay a bit longer ;maybe forever

I need someone to gaze at the stars with when the sky is clear
Someone to cuddle with when the nights are cold
I need someone to kiss all my pain away when I can’t bear it all
Someone to remind me all is gonna be well when I see myself at the end of the road

If you leave I’m gonna miss someone to give me goosebumps
I need someone to caress my fears away
Someone to surpass my territories
I need someone to extract moans from me
Someone to quench me off my thirsts

I need someone to tell me they love me each time
Someone who thinks I’m beautiful even in my worst appearance
I need someone to hold me down even in my bad days
Someone to always be there when I need them

If you leave I’m gonna loose more than my senses
I’m gonna loose my remedy ;my medication
Don’t leave me alone

LONELINESS

You took away my pain, my sorrow
You were the only one who saw through me
The only one who saw through my veneer
You were the only one who understood me, through my fears you were there
The only one I ran to when I was in need of a shoulder to cry on to, when I couldn’t hold back my tears

I was unable to appreciate that,
I took advantage of your good, so kind and caring nature
I could have given back the love when I was able to
But pride, selfishness took the best of me
I could have discerned the love in your eyes, so pure
through your actions but I restrained

Maybe I would be happy right now
I would have someone to share my ups and downs with
I wouldn’t be having any remorseful feelings
Maybe I wouldn’t be alone right now